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Useful work phrases
|USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

 
Interpret Your Evaluation Comments
AVERAGE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
Asshole.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.

HAPPY:
Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL:
Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

 
Actual Business Signs In USA
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a classified ad: "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a classified ad: "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts."

 
Stupid Office Tricks 2004
Alright, Stupid Office Tricks 2004. Let us know your scores. NO CHEATING. CONTACT US with detailed scoring. We will post the highest scores and comments on the main page in a few weeks. Good Luck!




One-Point Gags

--------------------

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "Yahtzee!"

Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

Run one lap around the office at top speed.

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

Walk sideways to the photocopier.

When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.



Three-Point Gags

-------------------------

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.



Five-Point Gags

----------------------

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "The report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two."

At lunch time get down on your knees and announce "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra 3 points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "Ya wanna trade?"

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am "See how I look in tights."

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:

"Do you hear that?"

"What?"

"Never mind, it's gone now"

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.

 
Accounting Interview
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying
job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education,
but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator
(he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he
wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job!
He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very
curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even
though he got such a simple question wrong.

The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

 
Did you pay taxes?
|A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.

At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."

 
Sleep well
Life Insurance Agent:Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think.
 
Employee evaluations.
Quotes taken from actual employee evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

 
1stPerson: "Do you know anything about...
1stPerson: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person:"A little. Whats wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "Its a pretty sensitive memo, and I didnt want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."

 
Eating with children.
Eating with Children

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to miss it!"

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