|Stockbroker at I.R.S.
|The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."
|Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
|On The Job Wisdom
1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.
7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
8. Never quit until you have another job.
9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.
12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.
|Talking on the plane
|Two government economists were returning home from a field meeting. As with all government travelers, they were assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.
They continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could talk and he could sleep.
After switching seats, one economist remarked to the other that it was the first time an economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.
The teacher put two baskets of treats on her desk, a basket of apples and a basket of cookies.
She told the students to each take only one treat.
Next to the basket of apples was a sign:
Take only one, God is watching.
As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said, "Take all you want, God's watching the apples"!
|Reasons to stay at work all night
|1. Act out your version of a company takeover.
2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".
3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art".
6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.
7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.
8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.
9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.
10. Elevator surfing!
|More Than Murphys Law
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair
Identical parts aren't.
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
-- Tussman's Law
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
Machines should work. People should think.
--IBM's Pollyanna Principle
The most ineffective workers shall be moved systematically to the place where they can do the least damage.
--The Dilbert Principle
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
-- Cannon's Comment
The newer the carpet the greater the likelihood that the bread will land jelly side down.
-- Law of inevitable consequences.
|The organization is like a tree full of monkeys...
The organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on differentlimbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded:
One chalk mark . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1
Knowing where to put it . . . . . . . $49,999
|After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.