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Word Perfect Help Line
This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former Word perfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing suff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

 
Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Hacker
  1. Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
  2. Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
  3. When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.
  4. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
  5. Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.
  6. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."
  7. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
  8. Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
  9. Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr./Ms.  President."
  10. You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor "I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"

 
You know you are a teacher if...
You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

 
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard

  1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.
    People with
    documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important
    meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the
    cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for
    the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at
    night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you
    do.

  2. Use computers to look busy.
    You can send and receive personal email,
    calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything
    remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the
    proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not
    bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you "will" get caught - your
    best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus
    saving valuable training dollars.

  3. Messy desk.
    Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of
    us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents
    around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as
    today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know
    somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down
    in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

  4. Voice Mail.
    Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't
    call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call
    because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live.
    Screen all
    your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you
    and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know
    they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even
    though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of
    screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this
    will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a
    solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever
    hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of "it". If your voice mailbox
    has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that
    limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages.
    If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a
    recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you
    are a hardworking employee in high demand.

  5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed.
    One should also always try to look impatient
    and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

  6. Appear to Work Late.
    Always leave the office late, especially when the boss
    is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted
    to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the
    boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g.,
    9:35pm, 7:05am,etc...) and during public holidays.

  7. Creative Sighing for Effect.
    Sigh loudly when there are many people around,
    giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.

  8. Stacking Strategy.
    It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table.
    Put lots of books on the floor etc... You can always borrow them from the
    library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

  9. Build Vocabulary.
    Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the
    jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses.
    Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound
    impressive.

  10. *** MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

 
Sarcastic Remarks for Work
1. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
12. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
13. Allow me to introduce my selves.
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
16. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
17. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
18. I have a computer, a remote control, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
19. Not all men [women] are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
21. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
22. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
23. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
24. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
25. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
29. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
30. I plead contemporary insanity.
31. And which dwarf are you?
32. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
33. Meandering to a different drummer.
34. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

 
The Day The NASDAQ Died
Sung to the tune of "American Pie"
A long, long week ago
I can still remember how the market used to make me smile

What I'd do when I had the chance
Is get myself a cash advance
And add another tech stock to the pile.

But Alan Greenspan made me shiver
With every speech that he delivered

Bad news on the rate front
Still I'd take one more punt

I can't remember if I cried
When I heard about the CPI
I lost my fortune and my pride
The day that NASDAQ died

So bye-bye to my piece of the pie
Now I'm gettin' calls for margin
'Cause my cash account's dry

It's just two weeks from a new all-time high
And now we're right back where we were in July

We're right back where we were in July

Did you buy stocks you never heard of?
QCOM at 150 or above?
'Cos George Gilder told you so

Now do you believe in Home Depot?
Can Wal-Mart save your portfolio?
And can you teach me what's a P/E ratio?

Well, I know that you were leveraged too
So you can't just take a long-term view

Your broker shut you down
No more margin could be found

I never worried on the whole way up
Buying dot coms from the back of a pickup truck
But Friday I ran out of luck

It was the day the NAAAASDAQ died

I started singin'
Bye-bye to my piece of the pie
Now I'm gettin' calls for margin
'Cause my cash account's dry

It's just two weeks from a new all-time high

And now we're right back where we were in July
Yeah we're right back where we were in July

 
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
 
Understanding Your Paycheck
Understanding Your PaycheckGROSS PAY: $1222.02INCOME TAX OUTGO TAX STATE TAX INTERSTATE TAX COUNTY TAX 244.40 45.21 61.10 5.89 6.11CITY TAX RURAL TAX BACK TAX FRONT TAX SIDE TAX 12.22 4.44 1.11 1.16 1.61UP TAX DOWN TAX KNICKNACK TAX HACKENSAC TAX THUMBTAX 2.22 1.11 1.98 3.93 0.98CARPET TAX SNACK TAX SURTAX MA'AM TAX PARKING FEE 0.69 8.32 3.46 3.46 5.00NO PARKING FEE F.I.C.A. T.G.I.F. LIFE INS. HEALTH INS. 10.00 81.88 9.95 5.85 16.23DISABILITY INS. ABILITY INS. LIABILITY INS. DENTAL INS. MENTAL INS. 2.50 0.25 3.41 4.50 4.33FUNDAMENTAL INS COFFEE COFEE CUPS CALENDAR RENTAL FLOOR RENTAL 0.11 6.85 66.51 3.06 16.85CHAIR RENTAL DESK RENTAL UNION DUES UNION DON'TS CASH ADVANCES 4.32 4.32 5.85 3.77 0.69CASH RETREATS OVERTIME UNDERTIME EASTERN TIME CENTRAL TIME 121.35 1.26 54.83 9.00 8.00MOUNTAIN TIME PACIFIC TIME DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME TIME OUT 7.00 6.00 4.44 12.21OXYGEN WATER ELECTRICITY HEAT AIR CONDITIONING 10.02 16.54 38.23 51.42 46.83MISC169.24TAKE HOME PAY: $0000.02
 
Blind pilots
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.

Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!

 
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
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