|An econometrician and an astrologer are arguing about their subjects.
The astrologer says, "Astrology is more scientific. My predictions come out right half the time. Yours can't even reach that proportion".
The econometrician replies, "That's because of external shocks. Stars don't have those".
|Pick a starting salary
|Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
|A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste...
A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation. Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning? Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container. Trucker: Yeah, that?s right. All lead. Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning. Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.
|My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
|New Guy On The Job
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
|I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
|Half a year to live
|A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live.
The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota.
The woman asks: will this cure my illness?
The doctor replies: No, but the half year will seem pretty long.
|New On The Job
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words 'open me first,' and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying:' These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third.'
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.
After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. Shoe opens the first one and it says: 'Blame me, your predecessor for everything'.
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.
A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, 'Blame the government for everything'.
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, 'Prepare 4 new envelopes'
|Several years ago we had an intern who w...
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "Im almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
|BOSSES & TECHNOLOGY
BOSSES & TECHNOLOGYBoss: "My laptop computer is locked up. Can you help?"Dilbert: "Remember you have to hold it upside down and shake it toreboot."Boss: "Oh, that's right."Wally: "I wonder if he'll ever realise we gave him an "Etch-A-Sketch."