|Japanese management lecture
|Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?"
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men."
"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country before I die by singing "The Marseilles" to your men."
The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial management."
The terrorist turned finally to the American.
"What is your last request?"
The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"
The following are ways to detirmine whether a truck is company owned:
1. Company trucks travel faster in all gears.
2. They accelerate much faster than personal trucks, leaving tire marks on pavement.
3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance, leaving more tire marks.
4. They can take bumps at twice the speed of private trucks.
5. Company trucks normally require oil changes at 100,000 mile intervals.
6. Their floors are shaped like ash trays, and accommodate milk cartons, coke bottles, leftover food, and paper wrappers.
7. They can be driven 100 miles or more with the oil pressure light flashing.
8. They are adapted to allow the transmission to be shifted into reverse while going forward at 20 mph.
9. Their tire walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.
10. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning the radio volume up.
11. Company trucks are not designed to be washed or waxed or to retain hubcaps.
12. All company trucks have many dents in the body, inflicted by a mysterious person called "not me".
|The office happenings
|Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.
He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
|Travel in a sailboat
|The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"
"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."
|Why did he fire you?
|Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"
Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."
|I am looking for a job as a consultant...
Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough cosultants."Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."Employer: "More than we can use already."Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can dopaperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications."Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening."
|Bosses versus workers
|When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
|Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.
Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.