|Commuting to Work
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."
|Actual Newspaper Ads
The following ads acutally appeared in newspapers:
ILLITERATE ? Write today for free help.
AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.
DOG FOR SALE Eats anything and is fond of children
STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit: one.
SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE
DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
GREAT DAMES for sale.
TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it
FOR RENT: 6 room hated apartment
WANTED: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink
OUR BIKINIS ARE EXCITING. They are simply the tops.
AND NOW, the superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
WE WILL OIL your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1
|The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
|Stock Market Worries
While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.
He replied that he slept like a baby.
He was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"
He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."
"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills
you think might be worth mentioning?"
"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short
stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel."
"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could
apply during office hours."
Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."
Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed."
Guest: "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."
|The results of a government study
|For the past three years, the government has worked hard and spent many tax dollars to find the approval ratings for unemployment.
They have concluded that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of the working population.
Now let's just hope that the unemployment rate doesn't change.
|Actual Job Application
This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
|The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring...
The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashierandwas down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job.The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstateNew York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped aburley young man who seemed quite sure of himself."He looks like he cantake care of any situation," thought the manager,and decided, there and then,to hire him. He turned to the firstapplicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carryyourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier.However,you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out theplace on the application where we asked your formal education."Jim looked a little confused so the manager said,"Where did you get your financial education?""Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale.""That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!""Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson."
|Signs You'll Soon Be Unemployed
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss was standing behind you. It's his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneek in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?".
You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.