|The Big Shake-up!
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - "and how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - "here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - "does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters -
"Pizza delivery guy".
|New element was found
|Administratrium, The New Element
AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, butresults to date are not promising.
|The Efficiency Expert
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of
caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked
somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert
explained. "She made a lot of trips between the refrigerator, stove,
table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day
I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to
take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
There is a new virus going around, called 'work'. If you receive any sort of 'work' at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open 'work' or even look at 'work' have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter 'work' via email or are faced with any 'work' at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words 'Sorry...I'm off to the pub'. The 'work' should automatically be deleted from your brain.
If you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the 'work' to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer.
After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that 'work' will no longer be of any relevance to you.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the 'work' virus has already corrupted your life.
|'Twas The Night Before IPO
'Twas the day before the IPO, when all through the net,
Not an executive was flying, not even Ellison's jet.
The documents were filed with the SEC with care,
In hopes that the IPO soon would be there.
Techies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of liquidity danced in their dreams.
The CEO with a reporter and PR at his side,
The press tour just concluded a cross-country ride.
When out on the web there arose such a clatter,
I surfed to the stock ticker to see what was the matter.
To eTrade, my Mac flew like a flash,
The market made a slight correction, it started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
"Must I sell my SUV, what about the house?"
When what to my wondering eyes would appear,
An email from the CEO that was quite clear.
I knew in a moment what he had to say,
It had to do with the crash that happened that day.
More rapid then VC money and Napster fame,
Another Dotcom Bomb and he called them by name;
"Now Pets! Now Petopia! It was plain to see,
Garden and Eve!" Oh God, why is this happening to me?
"We spent and we spent, with no revenue in site!
Be 'sticky', capture eyeballs, VC's shouted all night."
"As fast as we filed, the IPO was pulled,"
On CNBC our story will be told.
B2C, B2B, P2P changed with a flicker,
No company was spared on the stock ticker.
And then, in a twinkle, we were off raising a round.
Searching and searching, no money to be found.
Don't count on series E, no money, no loan,
The end was quite near, we started to moan.
No more launch parties, and Super Bowl ads,
Pink slips and revenue became the fads.
The dot com frenzy - how it glimmered! The days were so merry!
The stock options how rosy, the payoff so cherry!
From Yahoo! to Amazon, they started it all,
Who would think, "The stock market, fall?"
We were chubby and plump, a right jolly ole folk,
We laughed when we heard, 'Our start-up going broke?'
A wink of the eye and a twist of fate,
We realized our start-up entered the market too late.
We spoke not a word, but overcome with grief,
As we watched the market close in disbelief.
The CEO sprang to his team, and gave a whistle,
Away we were, laid-off like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as we drove off that night,
'www.FailedDotcoms.com will be our next site!'
|Never quit until you have another job.
Never quit until you have another job.
A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, "You've shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell."
"I don't know!" she flounders.
"Tell you what," St. Peter says, "You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity."
"Okay then," she says. "I'll start with heaven since I'm here already."
She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven.
The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her off to Satan.
Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine.
After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip.
After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people.
At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity.
The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Well, have you made your decision?" He asks.
"I've decided on hell," she announces.
"So be it." St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of hell.
Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade.
"What happened!?!" She exclaimed.
"Well," said her boss, "Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff."
|George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard VII
Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there aremany people around, giving the impression that you arevery hard pressed.
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"
|Did you hear about the welfare doll?
Did you hear about the welfare doll?You wind it up and it doesn't work.